


Catch me when I fall

by squishychan



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: 3+1 Things, Body insecurity, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Insecurity, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Weight Issues, p much chan does low-key unhealthy stuffs, well kinda? tagging it just to be safe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2020-04-05 07:15:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19043746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/squishychan/pseuds/squishychan
Summary: "Insecurity is not a color I wear well."(Or, three times Jeonghan was there to comfort Chan when he slipped and the one time Chan was there to do the same for Jeonghan.)





	Catch me when I fall

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thiccheart](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thiccheart/gifts).



> i can't write 100% fluff so this is 50% fluff and 50% angst lol
> 
> but anyways, this is written for a dear friend of mine who i love with all my heart uwu ♡
> 
> warnings for what could be perceived as disordered eating, as chan "diets" rather unhealthily & makes himself throw up in the "January" section :(

**i. January**

 

The first round is always the hardest, or at least it _feels_ the hardest that is. With Chan's eyes watering as he struggles to take in a few shuddering breaths around the fingers jammed in his mouth, his nose running as he tries his hardest to keep quiet, one hand gripping the edge of the toilet bowl as he pitifully gags. Choking on nothing before it finally just spills right out of him, the sound of his sick splattering down into the water below louder than Chan's comfortable with, the nagging fear that someone may of heard sending his stomach lurching once again. Chan heaving and heaving until he can't, the bitter taste of pure stomach acid reeling him back, suddenly aware of the sweat running down his temple and onto his vomit speckled t-shirt, of just how fast his heart is racing, of the hot tears slipping down his exertion flushed cheeks. 

 

 

Chan briefly hesitating before shifting out of his kneeling position with a shaky sigh, his saliva slick hand trembling as he wipes himself clean, though the icky feeling of his shameful actions still clung to him no matter how hard he scrubbed. But that was okay, it was only _once_ after all, it wasn't a _bad_ thing if it only happened _once-_

 

"Channie?" Comes Jeonghan's soft voice from the other side of the door, "Is everything okay?" Chan's post-purge sleepiness vanishing instantly upon hearing the sound of the doorknob being messed with, wanting to tell the older to just _go away_ , but simply being too drained to speak. Instead pulling his legs to his chest, praying that Jeonghan would take the hint and leave, to let him wallow in his self-pity like the pathetic creature he was.

 

But nope, Jeonghan just jiggles the handle harder at the lack of response he receives, concern beginning to bubble underneath his skin now, as it was wasn't like the youngest to not respond. "Channie? If you don't answer me, I'm going to get Cheol-"

 

"W-wait!" Chan yelps, wincing at the raspiness of his own voice, something he knew that Jeonghan would without a doubt pick up on, "I'm okay, everything's okay." His heart dropping when he hears Jeonghan sigh deeply, something that was never a good sign, _ever._

 

"I," The older boy pauses, "I heard Channie. And I'm sorry, I'm _so_ sorry I didn't know this beforehand." His words clearly chosen with great care, something Chan probably would have been grateful for had he been under the assumption Jeonghan _didn't_ know.

 

"Thanks, but you're wrong." Chan spits in response, tears reminiscent of teenage frustration welling up in his eyes, "I didn't...I didn't...." But he _did_ and the guilt of lying to his favorite hyung of all people has him choking up, any misplaced anger Chan had been harboring simmering away into nothingness.

 

"I'm not mad Channie," Jeonghan murmurs, his tone carrying an edge of sadness to it, "Well, I am mad at _myself_ , but not you." Chan's tears now rolling freely down his cheeks, a hand clamped over his mouth to stifle any sobs that may try to escape, the pain of hurting Jeonghan worse than any he could possibly inflict upon himself.

 

_God I'm such a crybaby, whining when hyung is the one hurting here. Way to go maknae._

 

"Now will you let me in? I mean I totally understand if you're not-"

 

"It's unlocked," Chan interrupts, rising to his feet and turning the lock just as Jeonghan pulls the door open a crack, the older's red rimmed eyes causing Chan to gasp slightly, knowing in his heart of hearts that he was the one responsible for their self-proclaimed angel's pain. Whatever apology he'd prepared slipping from his mind instantly, a small cry tearing from within as Jeonghan pulls him into a tight embrace, whispering  _"I love you"_ after  _"I love you"_ as if he feared the younger truly had no idea of just how much he was cherished. Jeonghan refusing to let go even as the front of his shirt grew wet, still holding Chan even though the smaller was well aware how he smelled of sick, apparently not caring or either not wanting to let his dongsaeng go. Rubbing soothing circles into the small of Chan's back as he weeps, all the hurt he'd bottled up inside of him pouring out, the weight of being him lifting even if just momentarily. Chan slowly but surely finding it growing easier to breathe, gulping in mouthfuls of air as he leans into his hyung, finding it almost funny as he fit so perfectly into the crook of Jeonghan's neck.

 

"Will," Chan jumping at the sound of Jeonghan's voice, to which the blonde mutters a chaste  _"sorry"_ and runs a hand through Chan's own locks in reply, "Will you tell me next time you feel like doing this?" And Jeonghan must feel him stiffen because he's quick to murmur a small  _"never mind,"_ as Chan wiggles out of his grasp, unable to meet his gaze as he bashfully rubs at his tear blotched cheeks.

 

"I don't want to annoy you," He says quietly, so unlike his usual self, "I don't want to be a burden to you-"

 

"You could _never_ be a burden to me Channie, that I can promise. Okay?"

 

"Pinky promise?" Holding his pinky out, which Jeonghan takes, locking their pinkies together with a shake.

 

"Cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye." Sounding so serious Chan manages a shy smile, to which Jeonghan returns in full, doing the motions of the silly little rhyme for good measure. "And just so you know, I love you no matter what, I always will." Chan's ears blushing at the unexpected cheesiness, Jeonghan once more pulling him into his arms, again holding Chan just as tight.

 

"Thank you hyung, like really, _thank you._ " Chan whispers, "And uh, I love you too."

 

**ii. May**

 

"-Channie? Earth to Lee Chan?" Jeonghan says, waving a hand in front of the dazed maknae's face, Chan blinking a couple times before tilting his head in a questioning manner.

 

"Hmm?" The youngest mumbles, his eyes still holding that far away look to them, "Oh! Sorry, I guess I zoned out on you." His explains sheepishly, though his laugh sounds too forceful for Jeonghan's liking, the older instantly catching onto something else besides Chan's scatterbrained mind being at play.

 

"Ah," Is all Jeonghan replies with, "Well I said it's your turn to choose where we order tonight's takeout from." Not at all missing how Chan's face falls at the mention of food, of the nervous way he nibbles at his upper lip or how he distractedly cracks his knuckles.

 

"Er, I don't really care hyung," He says with a vague sort of half shrug, "Solie can choose instead, he's always bugging the others to give them their turns anyways." Chan finishes, turning his attention back to his phone screen, quite effectively ending any conversation between him and the blonde. Which frustrates the older, as being ignored always tended to do, Jeonghan's nose scrunching in displeasure as he debates saying anything more on the matter.

 

"But what about that new Chinese restaurant you and Jun went to? I thought you said they delivered-"

 

"Chinese food is fattening hyung, _really_ fattening." Chan deadpans, a disgusted expression to his face, "And I'm on a diet anyways," He adds with an afterthought, too engrossed in the latest episode of  _Fairy Tail_ to notice how Jeonghan frowns at the mention of him being on a diet, as diets more than often _weren't_  for the betterment of the members' health. So of course Jeonghan just _has_ to say something now.

 

"Oh? A diet?" Chan glancing up at the older warily, obviously _not_ wanting to talk about said diet, but fuck that, Jeonghan's doing it whether Chan liked it or not. "Your choice or the manager's?" The maknae flinching yet again at Jeonghan's words, pausing the episode when he realizes that there's no getting out of the conversation this time around.

 

"Mine." He answers stiffly, "Soonyoung's been saying that he's been wanting to slim down so I figured I might as well," Jeonghan's eyes narrowing at the thought of their chipper choreographer losing his signature hamster cheeks, but if it made Soonyoung happy, then it made him happy. "I can't be the only member of the team who's fat." And Jeonghan's heart sinks, because god knows they needed another repeat of the Seungkwan incident.

 

"You aren't fat!" Jeonghan blurts out, his brain short circuiting, what little censor he possessed long forgotten. Ears reddening in embarrassment when his mind finally catches up, Chan's eyes widened in surprise, as it was rare to see his hyung lose his cool like that. "I mean, _I don't think you're fat._ "

 

"Thanks hyung, but you don't have to lie to me." Chan smiling a smile that's fake as all get, "I know that I'm fat, hence the reason why I'm on a diet to begin with." Pressing play on his phone as Jeonghan just gapes, the vocalist (for once) at a loss of what to say.

 

"B-but you don't need to change a thing!" He stammers, voice an entire octave higher, "Really Channie, you're fine as you are." Chan simply humming at that, Jeonghan's words falling on deaf ears, and to be honest, it kind of hurts the older. No, not because his time was technically being wasted, but because Chan seemed to truly believe that he was fat when he was _anything_ but the adjective.

 

"Sure hyung," The maknae murmurs, "But don't worry, I'll be satisfied soon." Which is a lie, but that's nothing Jeonghan needs to know. Jeonghan making an affirmative noise as he leans his head on Chan's shoulder, as if indirectly calling him out on his utter bullshit.

 

"Just don't go overboard, kay?" Chan's stomach churning as he feels his hyung's eyes boring into him from his peripheral vision, "Okay Chan?"

 

"S-sure thing-"

 

"When was the last time you ate?" Jeonghan suddenly asks, but knowing him, it was probably anything but random. His question taking Chan aback, face paling as he scrambles for a somewhat believable answer, only to turn up empty handed and panicked.

 

"I, uh...." Floundering under Jeonghan's scrutinizing stare, the truth coming out almost against Chan's will. "Almost four days now." Jeonghan sucking in a sharp breath as a wave of horror crashes over him, the guilt of not noticing slapping him square in the face.

 

"Chan, that's not healthy-"

 

"I know! I know that!" Chan snaps, dropping his phone to dig his nails into his jean clad thighs, an action that reminds Jeonghan far too much of Seungcheol during their trainee days. "But I can't be fat!" Tears prickling in his eyes, "I can't be...." Biting down on his tongue to stop himself from sniffling, Chan switching from digging his nails into to his thighs to raking them up and down the soft flesh of his forearm, Jeonghan this time intervening and taking the younger's hands in his own.

 

"Hey, hey it's okay Channie," Jeonghan croons, "I'm not mad baby boy, I promise you aren't in trouble." Swallowing back his own brewing nausea as he focuses on calming down the distressed boy, the thought of involving Jisoo or Seungcheol 100% out of the option, as it'd probably only wind up Chan more. Though Jeonghan will be honest and admit that the thought _had_ crossed his mind, but that was neither here nor there.

 

"But I-I," The maknae's chest rising and falling rapidly, heart fluttering as fast as a hummingbird's wings, "I'm sorry hyung! I don't know what I was thinking, really, I don't!" Jeonghan squeezing Chan's hand at that, silently gesturing for him to slow down, to just breathe. "...'m sorry, I really am."

 

"I know you are Channie, I know," Jeonghan murmurs, "And I've long since forgiven you," Which perhaps is a tad too lenient, but Jeonghan knows sincerity when he hears it. "I just want for you to forgive yourself, can you do that for me?" Chan's lip wobbling as he meets the older's warm eyes, the love swimming in those dark pools like a punch to the gut. For Chan certainly wasn't worthy of such unwavering adoration, no, he deserved quite the opposite really.

 

"Do I....do I have to?" He mumbles more so to himself rather than Jeonghan, though it's clear it's partially directed towards the blonde all the same.

 

"Well, no," Jeonghan replies, "But I'd like for you to." Rubbing Chan's knuckles with his thumb, a sad smile gracing his pretty features. A smile that has Chan wanting to cry like the crybaby he fucking is.

 

"I can't," Is all he can say, followed by an angry declaration of _"God I'm awful."_

 

"You aren't, really, you aren't." Jeonghan assures, and something inside Chan snaps, pulling his hands away from the older as he dimly registers the lone teardrop that rolls down his cheek.

 

"Stop acting like everything's okay when it isn't!" He spits, fists clenching and unclenching rhythmically. "Why can't you just tell me to suck it up and stop all this bullshit?!"

 

"Because I've been in your shoes." Jeonghan counters, his voice only raised slightly, a twinge of upset to it too. "I understand Chan. And I can't be mad at you for your feelings, not when I know them all too well."

 

"I-I," And his shock must be evident on his face because Jeonghan holds his hand up, waving whatever apologies were about to spill from Chan's lips wordlessly.

 

"You didn't know Channie, no need to apologize." A silence falling over the two as Chan tries to think of something—anything—to say. The sound of Seungkwan and Mingyu bickering audible from upstairs, Minghao probably sandwiched in between the two love birds and their stupidity. The thought of it almost is enough to make Chan smile. Keyword  _almost._

 

_"You're such an idiot Lee Chan. You do know this, right?"_ _The voice in his head says cheerily, knowing all the places to poke and prod at, cackling when it manages to garner a reaction from him. "God you're pathetic Channie-"_

 

"I'm sorry hyung," Chan finally says, cutting off the voice when he speaks. "I'm so sorry,"

 

"And like I said earlier, I forgive you." Jeonghan softly replies, reaching a hand out to brush against Chan's own, "And I'll forgive you until you can forgive yourself. Okay?"

 

"Okay."

 

**iii. September**

 

The first thing Chan registers upon coming to is one; his head is killing him, and two; it's dark, really  _really_ dark. The maknae pulling himself into a sitting position as he fumbles for the light switch, the lamp on his bedside dresser quite honestly a pain in the ass to turn on. Chan cursing under his breath as he fiddles with the knob, the pounding ache in his temples certainly doing no favors either. This going on for another second or so before he just gives up and sinks back into the warmth of the mattress with a sigh, the cool air of the fan heaven sent. The quietness to the dorms an unexpected but not unwelcome blessing-

 

"You know you could ask for help, right?" Comes Jeonghan's voice out of seemingly nowhere, Chan yelping as he buries himself deeper under the covers instinctively, heart thumping loud enough for the whole world to hear. And Jeonghan chuckles, leaving his spot at the doorway to take a seat on the bed, the human sized lump that is Chan still quivering slightly.

 

"Hyung!" He whines, plush comforter muffling his words, "That's not funny!" Jeonghan only laughing harder as the youngest pokes his head out, cheeks growing progressively redder as he pouts. It's actually rather adorable if Jeonghan does say so himself.

 

"Ah but it is~" The self-proclaimed angel teases as he flops himself down, face mere inches away from Chan's, lips curling into a smirk when he reaches out and boops the maknae's nose, earning yet another whine from Chan.

 

"Quit it hyung!"

 

"Okay, okay," Jeonghan agrees, "I'll stop~" But only before planting an eskimo style kiss to Chan's already scrunched up nose. Chan breaking out of his cocoon of blankets and batting him away with a hiss, and the two share a smile, though Chan's own soon slips as a look of confusion overtakes his features. Jeonghan arching a brow at the maknae's sudden shift in moods.

 

"Is everything alright Channie?" He asks, and Chan pauses, before offering a wary shrug.

 

"I think?" Chan more so asks than affirms, "Just...well, how did I get here?"

 

"Get where?" Jeonghan asks, "I don't understand-"

 

"How did I get in my bed hyung." He clarifies, "Last I remember, I was with Cheol working out." Jeonghan's eyes widening a fraction before he looks away, and Chan just knows he's somehow fucked up.

 

"You fainted," The older murmurs, "You were out for almost six hours Channie." 

 

"Wha-"

 

"You almost gave Cheol a heart attack, hell, _you almost gave all of us a heart attack."_ The blonde admits softly, and Chan's hit with stomach wrenching guilt, biting down on his tongue till he draws blood, the coppery taste making him wince.

 

"O-oh," Is all Chan can say in response. "I'm sorry hyung-"

 

"Stop apologizing! All you ever do is apologize!" Jeonghan uncharacteristically snaps, but his voice holds no real bite to it. "Apologize to yourself if you're going to do it so often. God knows you put your body through so damn much."

 

"I," He falters, "I won't do it again, really, I promise."

 

"I want to believe you, I really do Channie," Jeonghan mutters, "But when you won't even admit you have a problem, I just don't think that I can-"

 

"I know I have an issue hyung, oh believe me, I fucking know!" Chan's voice raising, "I just don't know HOW TO STOP MYSELF ANYMORE!" And goddammit he will not start crying again, he's fucking twenty years old for fuck's sake! He can't keep being such a baby forever, he's not a scared sixteen year old boy anymore-

 

"Shh," Jeonghan's voice cuts through his thoughts like a hot knife to butter, "I'm sorry Chan, I shouldn't have gone that far, I-" He falters, pausing, "I just wanted you realize you had a problem.

 

"Yeah, well I know I do! I know-"

 

"Calm down Chan-"

 

"And I want to fix it!" He finishes weakly, "I want to fix my problem hyung." 

 

"Wha-"

 

"Will you help me? Will you please help me hyung?" Jeonghan seeing a glimmer of hope in those eyes for the first time in months, Chan's face one of determination, and it makes Jeonghan's heart swell.

 

"Of course Chan, of course."

 

+1

**iv. October**

 

"It's just a few pounds Channie," Jeonghan murmurs into the maknae's chest, the two snuggled up in the blonde's bed together, the amber glow of Jeonghan's nightlight casting shadows across the otherwise boring walls. "It's nothing too serious." Chan humming as he runs a hand through the older's locks, and Jeonghan honestly can't tell if his lack of response is a good thing or a bad thing.

 

"As long as you're careful hyung," He says, "I don't want you going overboard." His words a carbon copy of the ones Jeonghan himself had said to the younger, and said male finds himself smiling, because apparently they'd stuck even all these months later. 

 

"I won't Channie," Jeonghan replies with a smile, "I don't hate my body _that_ much." Squishing his cheeks into Chan's warmth happily, "Only minimally!" He adds with an afterthought, his joke holding far too much truth to it, but Chan didn't need to know that.

 

"Don't say that hyung," Chan whispers, "Even if you are only joking."

 

"What? Can I not be self-deprecating now?" A tiny flame of anger alight in his heart, "It was just a joke Channie, really."

 

"Well I didn't find it very funny," Chan mutters, "I like hyung as he is," Jeonghan blushing at the younger's confession, heart skipping a beat, "He's beautiful just the way he is." The older boy smacking him playfully, melting like putty at the younger's sweet compliments.

 

"God you're too cheesy sometimes," Jeonghan mumbles, "But I guess that's why I love you," And Chan laughs, a laugh that's more than genuine, a laugh that Jeonghan loves to hear. A laugh that he's missed and is more than happy to hear once more in his life.

 

"I love you too hyung."

**Author's Note:**

> lee chan must be protected at all costs ヾ(｀ε´)ﾉ  
> remember you're always and will always be 100% worthy of getting better, no matter the circumstances :)
> 
> feedback and kudos are v much appreciated!


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